A Thank You and a Gripe

Today I had my 6th chemotherapy treatment, which means I am 1/3 through the entire treatment process. If it weren't for the friends and family (thank you Christina, Lisa, and Chynea) who have volunteered to drive me to and from the infusion center, which is 45 minutes from my home, things would have been much, much more difficult for my husband and myself. Because of the medications I am given alongside the chemotherapy to combat side effects, I am in no safe condition to drive myself home. And, while E's boss is very supportive and is okay with E missing work one day every week to take me, that is not really a realistic option--there's simply too  work to be done and that would increase his stress level astronomically, which would be bad for his health.

So far, I have been very blessed to have the support of a truly amazing group of people. My father-in-law has driven me to multiple appointments in Newnan and Carrollton. One super amazing friend, Katrina, came and stayed with me the last few days I was in hospital following my surgery and then helped us get set up at home by doing laundry and cooking us up a bunch of delicious food. Another friend, Phil, is making plans to come stay with us in a few weeks specifically in order to give me a ride to chemo. I've had other friends send me care packages and presents and organize meal delivery. I've had tons of cards and many texts/PM's to check on how I am. Even my 17-year old nephew has texted me to check on me, unprompted by parent or grandparent! My parents, of course, have been super supportive, just as they have been through every trial in my life.

Despite the large group of people I have supporting me, I must admit that this experience has shown me who my true friends are. I suppose that is bound to happen when someone is going through something major. I feel bad complaining, but I am truly hurt by the lack of support or care from people I had thought to be among my closest friends. These are people E and I have consistently helped even when it was difficult or inconvenient to us. It makes me feel like we've been used.

Having cancer puts you in a vulnerable position. If you're a person like me, who is a helper and a carer by nature, the tables are flipped and I am the one who needs people to help and care for me. I'm not used to asking for help. I'm used to doing things myself and offering help to others. I've had to give myself permission to directly ask people for the help I need. It's hard to do. It's made even harder when these requests are ignored.

The thing is, I've been very lucky. The chemo is not making me super sick. So far the biggest thing it's done is cause the loss of nearly all my hair. I do have less overall energy and some days pretty much all I can do is lie around, but I certainly don't LOOK sick and I don't FEEL sick. I can't help but wonder if the reason some people don't seem concerned is because I don't match their idea of what a cancer patient is supposed to look like (whatever that is). I'm not dying. I'm not even close to dying. I'm doing really well, actually, but that doesn't mean this is easy and it doesn't mean that we don't need help. Specifically, rides to and from my chemotherapy.

I guess some people really don't mean it when they tell you to let them know what they can do and they'll do anything to help out. I absolutely cannot stand that kind of empty talk. Don't say stuff like that to people "just to be polite." All you're doing is making yourself look like an asshole when you don't follow-through.

First Post (Woo)

Ok. So this is my first post to my first blog.

[Thunderous applause.]

I have no idea at the moment exactly what this blog will evolve to be or how often I'll even update it. Most likely it will be updated more frequently here at the outset while I still think this is a good idea.

What am I going to write about here? Well, it's my blog, so I'll write about whatever I damn well please!

(Yes, this blog will contain cursing.)

Since I am currently undergoing chemotherapy for my cancer, there will be posts about my treatment, my health, and cancer. But it won't all be about that. I *DO* have other interests. Lots of them, in fact. Anyone of them is likely to show up as part of a post.

For now I'm not going to try to set up things in neat tabs of topics or have topics of the day or any of that crap. Once I've written enough stuff, if some kind of pattern emerges I'll try to get things organized, but I can't swear I'll be good about it.

Anyway, I'm doing this more for me, because I need an outlet for all the randomness that swirls inside my head and I've got piles of time on my hands right now and I don't always have the energy to do anything more than browse the web and type and not doing things is kinda driving me crazy so I'm hoping this will help with that.

So, if you've stuck with me this far, wow, thanks! So, this is it. My blog. If you find something here that interests you and you actually read or follow it, well, either you're a close friend or family member or you're just as nuts as I am!

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A note about the comments section: I have no idea how moderating one of these things goes. I'd rather it not turn into a source of headache for myself. Since this blog is MY BLOG, where I write about MY THINGS, there's going to be someone out there that disagrees with something I write at some point, or (oh noes!) gets offended. If you feel compelled to tell me that you disagree or are offended, that's your prerogative. However, don't be mean about it. To that end, no it doesn't have to be all unicorns and puppies and flowers and hearts and kittens and glitter and rainbows, but let's keep any true nastiness out of it, shall we? Intelligent debate doesn't require it. Obvious trolls and spammers will be soundly boo'd and virtually tarred and feathered and ban-hammered if I can figure out how to do it (if not, I will just make fun of you and silently curse your karma).