Croque Monsieur

According to a Facebook post, today is National Sandwich Day. Good excuse to make sandwiches for dinner! But not just any kind of sandwich, tonight I made Croque Monsieurs. For those unfamiliar with this French-bistro staple, they're basically dressed up grilled ham and cheese, but this is absolutely a case of the whole being greater than the sum of its parts. Fortunately, they're not really all that complicated, well, for French food anyway.

What you'll need:

Soft butter (I used Land O'Lakes spreadable butter with canola)
Good bread (I used Italian bread from the bakery at our local Publix grocery store)
Ham deli meat (I used Boar's Head Virginia Ham)
Swiss cheese (I happened to have sliced on hand, but you can just use grated for both inside and on top) -- Gruyere and Emmentaler would be ideal, but you can use just about any kind of Swiss, I used Emmentaler and a block of regular generic Swiss for the top because I didn't feel like paying $10 for six ounces of cheese
All Purpose flour
White Pepper
Nutmeg
Ground Mustard Powder
Milk (neither the hubby nor I drink milk and we had heavy cream on hand, so I used it and it worked fine, so really milk, half-n-half, or cream can be used)

Step one: assemble sandwiches

Heat the ham (about 4 slices per sandwich for thin-sliced deli meat) in the microwave first
Butter one side of one slice of bread
Layer slices of Swiss or some of the grated Swiss and the ham and then top with butter slice of bread

Putting together sammies

Assembled sandwich ready to go into hot skillet

Step two: make the bechamel sauce

In a skillet over medium heat, melt one tablespoon of butter

Add one tablespoon of all purpose flour to the melted butter and whisk to combine

Cook flour-butter mixture for about 2 minutes

Add a pinch of nutmeg (freshly grated is always best) and about 1/4 tsp each of white pepper and ground mustard

Add one cup of milk (heat in microwave for 30 seconds before adding), whisking as you pour it into the skillet

Continue whisking until mixture thickens and is smooth

Remove from heat and set to side

Completed bechamel sauce

 Step three: cook sandwiches

Place sandwiches butter side down in a skillet that's been heated over medium-high heat.
Cook until golden and toasty. (I didn't get a pic of the sandwiches in the skillet, sorry!)
Transfer sandwiches to a baking sheet lined with aluminum foil, toasted side down.
Spread bechamel sauce (heaping tablespoonful) on the uncooked slice of bread.

Bechamel sauce topped sammies

 Then put a generous amount of grated Swiss cheese on top of the bechamel sauce.

Ready to broil!

 Place sandwiches on baking sheet in oven under the broiler and watch carefully. Broil until cheese is melted and bubbly.

Finished Croque Monsieurs

They will be way too hot to eat when they first come out of the oven, so let them cool for a couple minutes so you don't burn your mouth! I do recommend slicing on the diagonal to make them easier to eat.

I served these with Terra Exotic Potato Chips (normally I'd make my own Rosemary and Black Pepper Red Skin Potato Chips, but I didn't feel up to that today) and salads (basic garden for the hubby, salad of cucumber, red bell pepper, raw green beans, and tomato in vinaigrette for me).

Enjoy!

Radioactive

Had my third PET scan today. My first one was just before my hysterectomy and my second was just before I started chemo. This one will hopefully confirm what the CA-125* numbers are showing: that the chemotherapy has worked and I am in remission. I still have one cycle of chemo to complete (that's three sessions) and, then, hopefully, that will be it. I'll find out the results of today's scan at my oncology appointment on Wednesday.

As far as medical tests and exams go, PET scans are middling-annoying. You have to eat a low-carbohydrate diet the day before and can't have anything the day of other than water. This is because of the tracer that they give you for the exam. They establish an IV (if you have a port they use that) and inject radioactive glucose. If your blood glucose is over 160, they can't do the test because the tracer won't show up correctly. Cancer cells suck up glucose at a faster rate than normal body cells do, so they light up on the screen when they scan you with the CT machine. You rest for an hour after the tracer is injected to give it a chance to be taken up by cells and then you get to lie still in the scanning machine for about half an hour. So, you're hungry and have to spend an hour and a half being completely still, which is why it's not a completely non-annoying test to have done. It certainly could be worse, though!

The first two times I had the test performed, I experienced some mild anxiety during the scanning. I'm not normally someone who has a problem with claustrophobia, but being in that long tube can (and does) get to anybody. This time I didn't have that problem. I was so deeply engrossed in my thoughts that the test itself went by fairly quickly. The worst part was that my hands got icy cold! If I ever have to have another, I'm going to take gloves to wear!

The tracer has a very short half-life, so it's completely broken down and expelled from the body within 24 hours. But, for the time being, I'm very very mildly radioactive. Not that you can tell. Disappointingly, it doesn't make your pee glow or anything cool like that. That would be awesome. They should totally add something to the tracer that makes your pee glow. It would make dealing with the annoying bits totally worth it.

*Marker in the blood that is indicative of ovarian cancer.

Halloween's Not Evil

So, today's the first of November and I said I was going to attempt to post every day this month. This is going to be interesting!

Yesterday was Halloween. I didn't feel up to going all-out this year, so I didn't decorate and I didn't really dress up (I popped on one of my wigs and that was that). I did hand out treats to the few kids that showed (plea to world: please come our house, Trick-or-Treaters!), but it was overall pretty low-key around here.

Here's the thing: there are people out there who don't celebrate Halloween because "it's not a Christian holiday" or "it's based on a pagan holiday" or the most insane of all "it's Satan's birthday." Let me just say right now that that is patently STUPID (if you believe the last one, you are truly an idiot). If you know anything about the history and development of Christianity, then you know that pretty much the entire religion is based on "pagan" traditions. If this is something you don't know and you consider yourself a Christian, please, please, please for the love that is all good in this world, go read a book about the history of Christianity! Karen Armstrong's A History of God is a good place to start. After that read Bart D. Ehrman's Lost Christianities, Lost  Scriptures, and How Jesus Became God. Not knowing the history of the faith in which you purport to believe is pretty pathetic.

It's actually pretty scary to me that so many modern-day evangelicals are being led to believe that the particular version of Christianity being practiced at their individual church is 1) the only valid version and 2) is "traditional" Christianity (it is neither).

Halloween in its current incarnation is fairly removed from it's Christian roots and even further removed from ancient "pagan" traditions. Obviously, it's NOT "Satan's birthday." That particular bit of ridiculousness was dreamed up in the 1950s by some nutcase. Halloween's been around quite a bit longer than that. Today's Halloween is a chance to have fun by dressing up, either as a favorite character or as something "scary," and an excuse to indulge in candy-eating and scary movie-watching (if you're into that sort of thing, personally I am not a fan of scary movies, candy, however, is delicious). There's no deeper meaning behind any of those traditions (yes, they have historical roots in medieval traditions and superstitions which have even older historical roots, so what? as they exist today, they are simply FUN). It really is just as superficial as it seems: something that we do that's actually pretty silly, but is a lot of fun and is engaged in solely because it's fun. Actually, that's a damn good reason to do just about anything.

If you're against Halloween, you're against something incredibly innocent. And if you're against Halloween, but you celebrate Christmas complete with a tree, Santa, a feast of some sort, then you are either a hypocrite or  incredibly ignorant. However, if you don't celebrate any holidays that aren't explicitly in the Bible because you have been led to believe that that is the "correct" way to be Christian, then, you are probably a pretty damn boring person to be around and you've been seriously misled by someone who doesn't have a good understanding of  nor a solid foundational knowledge of Christianity. I could go on more about that, but I'm not going to, at least not now.

Halloween's not evil. It never has been. It's a night of harmless fun. Well, okay, maybe candy is a little evil. Delicious, delicious evil.

Bacon Causes Cancer (But So Does Everything Else)

In case you've had your head in the sand all week (hello ostriches!), it has been determined by some researchers that bacon is VERY VERY BAD for you. If you eat it every day, your risk of colon cancer goes up. Now, it doesn't go up a huge amount and the reports don't say how much you can counter the effect with other healthy habits, such as eating plenty of roughage, that are known to decrease colon cancer risk (knowing what I know thanks to nursing school, I'm willing to bet future BLTs that the risk from eating bacon and other "processed" meats is at least offset in an equal amount by a diet that is overall plentiful in fresh fruits and veg and whole grains), but that, of course, didn't stop every news outlet out there from publishing alarmist articles and it didn't stop people from freaking the fuck out. I mean, of course they did. This BACON we're talking about. Bacon is delicious and, especially on the internet, we're obsessed with the stuff. Still, by the way some people have reacted, you'd have though you told them they could never, ever eat it ever again and that every bite of it they've ever had has doomed them to die a horrible death from their colons being eaten away by little monsters with nasty, gnarly, very sharp teeth. Some of that is just people being drama queens for the sake of being drama queens (because internet). A lot of it has to do with the fact that PEOPLE ARE FUCKING STUPID.

And people are especially fucking stupid when it comes to science, medicine, and cancer.

I get it. cancer's scary. I know. I have cancer and it scares the shit out of me that I have it. Everyone wants to not ever get cancer.

BUT

There isn't any way to 100% guarantee you won't get cancer. You can do everything "right" and still get cancer. That doesn't mean you shouldn't use common sense and take reasonable precautions. It means you shouldn't freak out and try to eliminate everything that has the potential to cause cancer. That's impossible to do, won't work, and will make you miserable. Besides doing reasonable things (like not smoking, using protection from the sun, eating a generally healthy diet, etc), the best thing you can do is to get regular health check-ups and screenings for the cancers that can be screened for and to get yourself seen and checked out if anything seems off. This is extremely important because catching cancer early is the best chance you have of beating it.

People seem to have this weird idea that cancer isn't curable, but it is. We've all seen and heard the joke line that scientists have discovered such-and-such, but "still no cure for cancer." Well, that's a fallacy. There IS a cure for cancer. I'm currently undergoing it. It generally involves some combination of surgery, chemotherapy, and/or radiation. I have a few chemotherapy sessions to undergo, but everything is already pointing to me being in remission (they can't declare that until my post-treatment PET scan comes back clean and I've completed all of my rounds of chemo). Remission isn't considered cured, though. You have to stay in remission for five years first. More people who have some kind of cancer are cured than not (when you consider all forms of cancer together).

But, you're thinking, lots of people still die of cancer. If we'd truly cured it, no one would ever die of it.

And, congratulations, you're thinking stupidly.

There's lots of things that we can cure that people still die of. Hell, people still die from the fucking flu and we have a vaccine that can largely prevent people from even getting the flu.

The fact that we know how to treat cancer, rather successfully (even if the treatments themselves make you absofuckinglutely miserable, which seems to be one of the biggest reasons people find current treatment methods suspect, which, do I need to say it, is fucking stupid), is one of the reasons I get so pissed off at people who tell me to check out alternative treatments (like hemp oil). Doctors are in this to save lives. If a treatment is effective, they're going to use it, despite what conspiracy nuts say. By the very virtue that my highly-regarded, renowned oncologist isn't telling me to use whatever miracle cure it is you read about somewhere I know that it's a load of shit, a big wagon-load full of smelly, smelly shit.

Maybe it's because I'd made it most of the way through nursing school before my diagnosis, but I've never once not had complete faith in my oncologist or that the surgery he performed and the chemo he prescribed would get rid of my cancer. Of course, I was very, very, very lucky that my cancer was found when it was. What makes ovarian cancer have such horrible survivor rates is the fact that it is so rarely found in the early stages (this has a lot to do with the fact that there's no standard screening process like there is for breast and prostate cancers and that the symptoms themselves are so varied and so vague). For any cancer that has poor survivor rates, that is usually the reason. It has nothing to do with current treatments being ineffective and everything to do with what cancer is. 

Cancer is the body's normal growth process run amok. Cancer is cells in the body achieving what so many of us dream of--immortality--but, in a ironic twist, left unchecked causes death instead. Cancer cells start out as normal cells and then something causes them to stop doing whatever job it is that that cell is supposed to do and just grows and replicates and nothing else. And the thing that tells normal cells that they've gotten too old to function at optimum so it's time to die and be recycled is turned off, so they don't stop growing and replicating. Cancer cells can arise from any type of cell in your body. In fact, cancer cells DO arise in your body all the time. Our amazing immune systems are just normally able to kill these individual cells and get rid of them before they have a chance to cause problems. But, if you're really unlucky, one of these cells becomes two becomes three becomes a clump of cancer cells becomes a tumor with it's own blood supply and that's when you've got a problem. If cells from that tumor break off and go start tumors in other parts of the body, then you've a got a really big problem. 

Simply put, the more of these misbehaving cells you have in the body, the fewer cells you have that are doing what they are supposed to do, and the harder it is to get rid of the bad ones. And cancer cells are greedy little buggers. They can and will rob all of your normal cells of any and everything your cells need to do what they do (i.e. keep you alive).

So, other than cutting the tumors out, how do we get rid of these bad cells? That's where chemotherapy and radiation come in. Radiation specifically targets a tumor or clump of cancer cells and kills them. Chemotherapy works by killing cells that divide and replicate quickly. The reason chemo makes you so sick is that it doesn't just kill off the cancer cells. The cancer cells are the most rapidly dividing and replicating cells, but other body cells divide and replicate quickly as part of their normal cell function. Chiefly your bone marrow (which makes your blood), your blood, and your skin cells (this includes your nails, hair, and the lining of your entire digestive system from your lips right through to your anus) are short-lived and thus divide and replicate faster than the cells of your internal organs. If you think about what the side-effects of chemo are and how it affects the body, it makes complete sense that it leads to hair loss, skin issues, and digestive issues. 

Fortunately, there are wonderful medications that they give you now alongside the chemo that reduce the worst of these symptoms. If your white blood cell count goes down too much, there's medicine to help stimulate the body's production of those cells. If your red blood cell count goes down too much, they give you donated red blood cells. 

So, yeah. Cancer sucks. Cancer's scary. Everyone wants to never, ever get cancer. And, yes, cancer can be a death sentence. But it isn't always a death sentence. For an increasing number of people, it's a the next six to twelve months are really really going to suck big time but then you'll be able to go back to your regularly scheduled life sentence. So, maybe eat a little less bacon and a few more pieces of fresh fruit, but definitely, definitely, stop freaking the fuck out every time you see or hear the "C" word and educate yourself so you aren't one of the stupids.

Cancer is Boring

Okay I knew it been a while since I'd written and posted, but I didn't realize it had been this long. Yeah, I'm a very inconsistent blogger, but I've got cancer. That gives me a pass. For, well, pretty much any and everything.

I'm nearly to the end of my chemo--one session left of cycle five and then it's on to the sixth and final cycle. I've gotten so used to Wednesday being my chemo day that it's going to be weird not to spend one day every week an hour from home hooked up to a bunch of bags of drugs. That's not to say I'm going to miss it!

So, what have I been doing with all my time, since I clearly haven't been writing? Well, to be honest, not much. Cancer is a huge waste of one's time. You have all this time that you could be doing things, but you don't feel well enough to do any of them. I wish I could have used this time to do the things that I never have time to do. I have a craft room stuffed full of projects I could be working on. I could've sewed my niece an entire princess wardrobe. I could've read dozens of books. I could have watched a lot of television and movies. Mostly, I've slept and aimlessly poked around the internet. It's really hard to get motivated to do anything when you are tired and in pain and in order to make the pain go away you take medicine that makes you not really capable of doing anything but lying around and all of that combined means your attention span is like, five minutes, max. 

But that's not even the worst part. The worst part is the insomnia. Ugh. So then you're exhausted and loopy and awake and it just sucks big hairy donkey balls. 

I'm bored. Really, really, really bored. All the damn time. But I don't have the energy to do anything to alleviate the boredom. I'd hoped having a blog would help with that, but, well, it doesn't when I don't feel well enough or am too drugged up on painkillers to write anything coherent.

So, that's my super exciting life with cancer right now. 

Bits 'n Bobs

First: An apology for the little hiatus. I have been suffering the adverse effects of having low hemoglobin. In other words, I didn't have enough iron in my blood. In other other words, I'm anemic. As a result, I've been fatigued, exhausted, dragging around barely functioning. Mostly I've been sleeping, like 16 or more hours a day. I'd think of things to write about here, but just not have the energy to get out my laptop and type it out. Extreme fatigue = no posts. I need to start writing ahead to prevent this problem in the future. And that leads me into....

Second: NaNoWriMo is fast approaching. For those of you who don't know what that is, it is National Novel Writing Month. The idea is to try to write a novel (first draft) start to finish all during the month of November. For more information about NaNoWriMo itself, go to nanowrimo.org
Some of you may know that I've had an epic historical fantasy novel kicking around inside my head for the better part of 12 years now. I hope to one day actually write that beast, but 2015 is not the year for that. Rather, in the spirit of NaNoWriMo I am going to attempt to write and post a blog entry every day during the month of November, all 30 days. This will give me the opportunity to start writing about subjects (other than cancer) that are important to me. If you have a question you'd like me to answer or a subject you'd like to see me write about, please post it in the comments!

Third: Additional things people have said to me or about cancer that I find completely annoying and I would like it very much if people would stop.

• "You're going to be such an amazing nurse now." "This is going to make you a better nurse." And other variations on this theme.

Sadly, this one I hear more from other nurses than  from the general population. I get what they are trying to say (that I'll have a unique perspective from having been a patient, never mind the fact that this isn't my first rodeo: in my 38 years I've racked up 11 surgical procedures, I have plenty of experience being a patient, I really don't need more), but the way it is stated implies that I wasn't a good nurse before. I know that to not be true. Connecting with patients (and their families) is actually one of my strong suits. That element of caring can't be taught, but it's extremely important as it improves patient outcomes and patient compliance. It also simply makes things easier on you and the patient if you get along well. I get that the nurses are also trying to take a senseless situation and give it some meaning. Maybe some people find that comforting. I don't. I just think it's a silly thing to do. As I've said before, there is no greater meaning or purpose in me getting cancer. It's simply a nasty thing that some people get, just like with any other disease. There is no lesson to be learned, no information to be gleaned, it just is.

• "My mom died of cancer. With her lifestyle it wasn't a surprise at all." 
• "If your faith was stronger you'd never have gotten cancer/your cancer would be cured already."
• "If you'd just done X, Y, Z, you wouldn't have caught cancer." 

Yes, there are certain lifestyle and dietary choices that can increase or decrease your chances of getting certain cancers. That doesn't make the cancer the fault of the patient. This is especially true of women's gynecological cancers. Even with regular care via an OBGYN, few sexual partners, monogamous relationships, and no history of sexually transmitted infections, I developed ovarian cancer. There's nothing I could have done to prevent it and nothing I could do to cause a cure to spontaneously happen. Faith and prayer can help you get through the dark days of your cancer treatment, but to make the above statement to someone is beyond cruel. If you say that to someone, you are a bad, bad person. Oh, in case it isn't blatantly obvious, you can't "catch" cancer. It's not a virus or a bacteria spread from person to person.

• Coughing, continuously within a five food radius of me, without covering your mouth. And, especially, doing so when you know my white blood cell count is critically low.

I don't care if it's "just allergies," cover your damn mouth, you're spraying germs everywhere!


Fourth. I don't actually have a fourth. I just can't figure out a good outro for this entry. So I guess thi

Things no one tells you about having cancer/going through chemo

Note: I mention several products by brand name here. I have not been paid to mention them. If I mention something, it's because I'm actually using it and it's helping me cope with the physical effects resulting from chemotherapy.

*     *     *     *     *     *

Before you start chemotherapy you will be given lots and lots of information. Your head will swim and you will feel overwhelmed from information overload. But no one can tell you what it's actually like to be a chemo patient, except another chemo patient. This coming Wednesday will be the half-way point of my treatment (YAY!).  Here's what I've learned and experienced so far.

Premeds. So many premeds. You don't just get the chemo at your infusion appointments.  You will receive probably at least four other medications. These are to mitigate side effects from the chemo (mostly to prevent nausea). Some of the meds are for side effects caused by the other premeds.

My premeds are: Aloxi, Emend, Pepcid, Decadron, Benadryl, and Ativan. The first five are for preventing effects from the chemo. The Ativan is because I am one of the lucky people who gets muscle spasms when given large doses of IV Benadryl. The muscle spasms are terribly uncomfortable. Plus, you look pretty crazy when going through them. I get this pressure in my joints and muscles and it builds and builds and BUILDS until I have to move. I can't ignore the need to move where ever the pressure feels like it is building because eventually it will jerk on its own. Honestly, for me, during the actual chemo sessions, this is the worst part because even with the Ativan it takes a couple minutes for this effect to subside.

If you have a port, like I do, you'll receive a Heparin flush just before they send you home each week. This is to make sure your port doesn't fit up with clotted blood. That would be bad.

My chemo is a total of 18 weeks divided into six 3-week cycles. The first week of each cycle I receive two chemo drugs, Taxol and Carboplatin. On those weeks, I receive all five premeds. On the other weeks I only receive the Taxol and I get all the premeds except the Emend. My doctor added the Emend at cycle two and it make such a huge difference!

The very first week I started treatment was just hell. I was nauseous and ached all over and just had absolutely no energy. This lasted for five days following my chemo infusion. I honestly thought I would go insane if things continued to be like that. I really could not picture enduring 17 more weeks of that. For anyone out there who is suffering like that throughout their treatments, I feel for you, I really do. I hope your doctor finds a way to make things better for you.

We don't have medical marijuana in GA, but, despite my inexperience with that particular substance, at the time, it was the only thing I could think of that could possibly make me feel any better. I am so happy the  Emend works for me, so I don't have to go through trying to 1) find and purchase marijuana and 2) convince my husband that me breaking the law is okay in this particular circumstance. Seriously, government, get your stick out of your ass and make marijuana legal already!

Of course, after you've been loaded up with all those meds at your chemo appointment, you're not done! Oh, no. You also have home meds to take. At first I was taking Zofran and Dexamethasone twice a day for the three days following my chemo appointment. Now that my white blood cell count has dropped to below 1,500 I also get Neupogen/Granix injections on those days as well.

 I also have a script for Ambien because I've had severe insomnia, mostly due to the steroids (Decadron and Dexamethasone).

If you have to go on Neupogen, get some Claritin and some Aleve. Neupogen causes bone pain. Bone pain sucks. I don't know how the Claritin helps, but it does. (I get why the Aleve helps). Make sure the nurse who gives you the injection (or if you're injecting yourself) does so s-l-o-w-l-y. If you feel it burning or it feels super cold (you're going to feel the needle, sorry), tell the nurse so she can slow the injection even more. The nurse should then massage the area for 30-60 seconds.

Everything you receive the day of chemo will be administered via IV, either via your port or a PICC line or a regular IV line. The chemo itself will be hung in IV bags and one of those IV pumps will be set to administer it at a specific rate. Some of your premeds may be administered that way as well (the Emend and Decadron I receive are).

The rest will be "IV push" which means the nurse will inject directly into your IV line. All of your premeds should be pushed very slowly, especially the Benadryl. If they are not pushed slowly, you will be able to tell! Benadryl in particular will cause your throat and chest to burn and you will cough uncontrollably. If this happens to you, speak up! If your nurse doesn't listen to you, ask for a different nurse and tell her supervisor. You have the right to expect the nurses to do everything they can to make you as comfortable as possible during your chemotherapy. 

Receiving chemo itself isn't really painful. Before I started chemotherapy, I imagined the chemo drugs were going to burn through my veins like alcohol on a fresh paper cut. Fortunately, you don't feel them at all. If you've ever had an IV of saline, it doesn't feel any different. Basically, when you go get chemo, you sit in a comfy chair hooked up to an IV for several hours (yes, you can get up to use the restroom--the nurse will either unhook you or you'll take the pump in with you), so it's really kind of boring.

My infusion center has individual private cubicles set up. Each one has a TV and your reclining chair. There are warm blankets and free beverages available. The meds they give you tend to make you sleepy, so most of us patients are just napping the time away. You can bring food with you to snack on and things to make the experience more comfortable for you in general.

I have a tote bag that I take each week. I have a sweater, a throw blanket, fuzzy socks, earbuds (so I can listen to Pandora on my phone), light reading material, and a needlework project in my bag. My appointments last from 3-4 hours, starting at 10:30 in the morning, so I do usually want lunch.

There's a cafe in the same building that has amazing chicken salad sandwiches, so I often send my hubby (or whomever has gone with me that week) to get me lunch from there and bring it to me. It's actually something I look forward to each week. Little things like that really help! Make an occasion out of your treatment in any way you can, so that it's not something you dread. We start the day out by getting a bagel at the shop across the street from the treatment center. Your treatment day will be the day your whole week centers around, so do anything you can do to make it feel special. Especially since the days afterwards might just suck monkey toe.

See, all those drugs will fuck you up. Your face will get puffy. Here's a pic of me the Sunday before I started chemo.

Here's a pic of me from yesterday (almost half way through my treatment).

My cheeks are fucking huge. I feel like a big melon head.

On top of that my face and my hairless scalp broke out in terrible acne. Super ugly, super deep, super painful acne. Do not let anyone pop pimples on your scalp. The pain is just not worth it. Trust me. The acne is now much improved.  I started washing my face and head twice a day using anti-acne products. In the morning I use Garnier Clean + Purifying Cleanser for Combination Skin. At night I mostly used Neutrogena All-in-1 Acne Control Daily Scrub. I'd follow up the face wash with Clean & Clear Essentials Deep Cleaning Astringent. Then I'd put on Clean & Clear Advantage Acne Spot Treatment (salicylic acid). I also used a comodone extractor to clear out any clogged pores (white and black heads) that I could.  There are a lot of different products out there. You may have to experiment to find what combination works best for you. Just know that you are NOT the only one dealing with chemo-acne!

You might get insomnia. Tell you doctor if you do so you can get some sleep meds because right now, you need all the sleep you can get.

Your muscles and joints will ache. Maybe sometimes, maybe all the damn time, but, especially when you are trying to just fucking fall asleep. Aleve helps, but what works even better for me is regular massage therapy, hot baths, and stretching.

I'll admit I'm not getting as much exercise as I should. I do try to walk when I can, but some days I'm just feeling week and it's all I can do to get up off the sofa to get a beverage or to visit the bathroom. If you feel up to exercising, do it! But be careful of overdoing it. It's far easier to overdo it that you think. I've been on the verge of collapse just from doing a regular week's grocery shop. That's just the way it is, unfortunately. There will be days when you feel more exhausted that you've ever been in your life, except you haven't done anything to cause the exhaustion. Some days you'll feel normal mostly normal, but then you get fatigued faster and easier than you expect to and you're reminded that, nope, still have cancer. Every now and then you'll have a rare day where you are able to be the "old" you again. Treasure those days. Chances are they'll be few and far between. And you'll probably spend the next three days recovering. But it's worth it!

You will get "chemo-brain." Short-term memory lapses. Harder time recalling things you know you know. Stuttering/difficulty pronouncing words and general difficulty talking, especially when you are tired. Brain fog. Can't brain, have the dumb. It will happen. It is frustrating. It is embarrassing. I've been assured it will go away. God I hope so! I am used to my brain being my friend. It's a good thing I'm on leave from nursing classes, because not only do I not have the physical stamina to do clinical hours, I don't have the thinking power to do the coursework right now. Writing this blog helps because it forces me to think and write and use my brain, but it's not as easy as it was before.

No one who hasn't been through this understands what it is really like. Chances are the nurses at your infusion center are awesome and caring, but, even though they've cared for hundreds of patients, even they don't know what it's really like. If you're going through chemo and would like to share your experiences, please comment!

Stop Effing DoingThis!

I know you feel bad about my diagnosis. I know you don't know what to do or say. That's okay. I'd honestly rather you not do or not say anything than do the things on this list.

Things not to say to someone with cancer

Some of these are said by people who I know fully mean well, but are things that just shouldn't be said. For explanations for why, keep reading. And, before you ask, yes, these are things I have had people say, in most cases multiple people, in the few short months since I was diagnosed. The "responses" below in italics I have thus far managed not to actually say...I deserve a medal and a parade and a hot fudge ice cream sundae for that.

But, you don't look sick/like you have cancer!

Thanks, what, exactly, am I supposed to look like? 

Honestly, this makes me feel like you are saying that I am lying about having cancer. I know there are horrible people out there who have done that. I am not one of those people. I also haven't gotten this one since I lost my hair, which is, truthfully, part of the reason I was actually looking forward to losing my hair. I don't care what supportive thing you mean by saying this to someone with cancer, don't say this. Say something else. Seriously.

My grandmother/sister/aunt/friend/whoever had that/cancer. She died.

Well, that makes me feel so much better! 

Why, why, why would you say this to someone??? What the ever-loving-fuck is wrong with people who say this kind of thing? My personal prognosis is very hopeful, but hopeful ovarian cancer means my cancer only has a 2 out of 3 chance of killing me within the next 5-10 years. I do NOT need you to remind me of the fact that my cancer could very well kill me. I'm trying to be positive and hopeful and enjoy what life I do have and that is difficult enough without people saying shit like this!

But, you're so young!

Do you have any idea how stupid you sound right now? There are kids with cancer. Age doesn't make you immune!

Yes, I know that ovarian cancer is more likely to afflict women age 50+. Did you know that we younger women who get it tend to have more aggressive forms of it? This remark also goes back to the whole throwing my likely shorted life-span in my face. Please don't start being dramatic about me being young and dying and all that. Not only am I not dying yet, I do have a chance of beating this and dying when I'm wrinkled and white-haired and drooling into my tapioca pudding just like everyone else.

You shouldn't do chemotherapy./Chemo will kill you./You should use X alternative therapy. 

You are an a massive fucking idiot.

First of all, no, chemotherapy will NOT kill you. Yes, it's designed to kill cancer cells. Yes, it kills blood cells, bone marrow, and epithelial cells (because these are all fast-replicating cells like cancer). Yes, it has massive side effects (see previous sentence for what causes most of those). However, the amount patients receive has been carefully calculated just for each patient (based, in part, on patient weight) at each chemotherapy appointment. Chemotherapy sucks donkey balls. It's horrible. It makes people very miserable. It makes people very sick. But what it doesn't do is kill anyone.

Anyone who says that chemo killed someone they know is flat wrong. The cancer killed them (or an infection the person was unfortunate enough to catch while under treatment). I have absolutely no idea why some people are so quick to blame chemotherapy for their loved one's death instead of the, you know, obviously deadly cancer. 

Telling anyone the only thing that could possibly save their life is going to kill them and encouraging them to stop using it and use some other thing your found on the internet is not only incredibly irresponsible, but amazingly arrogant (you really think you know more than my oncologist? than all of the cancer researchers out there? than the medical journals?). If what you want to happen is for me (or anyone with cancer) to survive, this is the last fucking thing you should ever do.

Please don't confuse alternative therapies with complementary therapies such as supportive/palliative care. Alternative therapies are unscientific and unproven and dangerous.  Complementary therapies like supportive/palliative care are used alongside medical treatment and provides relief from symptoms and side effects. Supportive care and palliative therapies are a very important part of the total treatment cancer patients receive. Such therapies include diet as advised by a licensed dietitian, massage, acupuncture, yoga, meditation, guided imagery, and support groups/talk therapy (this is only a partial list of the complementary therapies offered by my cancer wellness center, run by the MD Anderson Cancer Network).

God has a plan./It must be God's will./God works in mysterious ways./God must have chosen you to go through this for a very special reason.

Fuck you and your god.

Look, if the only way you can deal with the fact that sometimes life is shit and sometimes really shitty things happen (yes, even to "good" people) is to attribute it to "God," that's fine, but don't lay your psychological bullshit on me. I don't need to find a reason that I got ovarian cancer. I know I got cancer because won the jacked-up-genes lottery. I don't need to find some deeper meaning in order to deal with the suffering and pain of cancer. I know there isn't and I find other ways to deal, one of them is this blog.

Personally, I think attributing the shitty things that happen to what is supposed to be a benevolent God is seriously fucked up and makes no damned sense. I take much more comfort in the Buddhist way of looking at things, which, basically is, that sometimes life is shit and sometimes really shitty things happen; what's important is not why the shit happens, but how we deal with the shit when it happens and we should endeavor to eliminate the shit in other people's lives we cause. This is a much more proactive and practical way of looking at the world. Instead of being a victim, I am an agent of my own destiny.

Things not to do when someone has cancer

Again, these are things that people have actually done in response to finding out I have cancer. Don't do these.

Look at my boobs.

I know that breast cancer is the cancer most associated with women-who-have-cancer, but that doesn't mean I have breast cancer and even if I did, looking at my boobs as a response is incredibly creepy. Trying to figure out if my boobs are real or fake-because-I-had-a-mastectomy or trying to figure out if one is misshaped now due to a lumpectomy is super-fucking-creepy. Unless a woman has just asked you to look at her boobs, looking at her boobs is never the correct response to anything she says, ever. Women should instinctively know this. Yet, both men and women have done this to me.

Make it all about you.

I'm the one with cancer. You can be upset about me having cancer, but it's not about you. Your level of upsettedness does not get to determine how I disseminate news about me and my cancer. If you are carrying on to such a degree that I am now comforting you, you are making it all about you. Again, I am the one with cancer. I know I've had time to process the information and get used to the idea and all, but, really, you being more upset than I have been at any point is just re-fucking-diculous. Stop being a damn drama queen.

If your response is to go on and on about someone you know who had or died of cancer and what they went through and what you went through, kindly shut the fuck up. Honestly, I don't really care. You can mention that someone had cancer and they beat it, but, again, I don't really care. I'm rather inward focused right now. I'm normally the person who is all about caring about other people. Right now I have to care about and for myself. 

If your response is to go on and on about something you went through that isn't cancer, but, you think, for some stupid reason, is like having cancer, you're an idiot and shut the fuck up. Sometimes you just can't relate to what a person is going through because you just have to experience it to really know. That's okay. You do not have to relate everything anyone else goes through to something in your own life in order to be supportive. 

Bury me prematurely.

Basically acting or behaving in any way that indicates that you now believe I am going to drop dead at some point in the very near future or that I'm basically dying and you expect to visit me in hospice any day now or that you can see the spectre of death looming about me.

I addressed this to an extent above, but I cannot stress enough how terrible it is for people to behave like this towards me. Trust me, if and when I am actually dying, I'll let you know. Until then, please don't assume that cancer = death. Even if someone has a cancer that almost always results in death, don't do this. I've had people practically start mourning my passing upon finding out I have cancer. I'm not dead yet! I'm not even dying! Please don't chuck me in the casket or start planning my memorial service yet. For one thing, it's creepy as hell. For another thing, it indicates you've given up on me. I need your support right now and I know I'm not going to get it if you assume I haven't got a chance and I'm just gonna go and die soon anyway.

Make disingenuous offers of help.

I have never understood why people do this sort of thing. Maybe in the moment they really mean it, but then they get busy and forget they offered? Having cancer is tiring. It's time-consuming. You spend a lot of time going to doctors and to have surgical procedures and to chemo or radiation and to get blood drawn and to get scans done. Sometimes you are well enough to take yourself to these appointments. Sometimes your aren't. Sometimes what's being done to you during your appointment renders you unsafe to drive afterwards. Driving people to appointments is not fun or glamorous, but if you've offered help to a cancer patient, it's very likely the thing they're going to need the most. I'm very lucky in that my husband's employer is incredibly supportive: not only in him taking tons of time off, but in coworkers and coworkers' spouses offering to take time off themselves to drive me to appointments, but this kind of employer support is, sadly, is rare. If you know you aren't in a position to drive someone, don't make a general offer to "do anything." So, if you make any kind of offer of help, make sure you actually do it. Not following through makes you look like a jack-ass. If you aren't sure if you are going to be able to help out, don't offer. If later on you can do something, it'll still be appreciated!

Act like I'm contagious/poisonous.

You can't catch cancer. Acting like you can means you are a giant asshole. Assuming that chemotherapy is going to leak out of my pores or something to poison you makes you look incredibly stupid. If anyone is a danger to anyone's health here, it's you who is a potential danger to me. Chemo drugs don't just kill cancer cells. They also kill red and white blood cells. White blood cells basically equal our immune system. Your "little cold" or "touch of flu" could land me in the hospital's ICU ward. Please don't come near me if you are sick unless you are wearing a medical mask and even then I'd in general rather you just didn't come near me. Even if you're healthy, please don't touch me unless you've washed your hands.

Compete with me for who is sicker.

I'm not saying I'm the only one who is "allowed" to be sick, but if you do this you are a massive wanker and rather pathetic to boot. This is not a fucking competition. I will not play this game. And it's really obvious when you do this because your symptoms somehow are mysteriously either the same as mine or suddenly appear whenever I'm feeling particularly poorly. It's fucking annoying. I did not one day wake up and decide that having cancer would be a great way to get attention. If you seriously need attention that much you have a pathological psychological problem. Get some fucking help. 

Fucking disappear.

Let me make one thing fully clear: if you have a friend or relative who has cancer and you disappear from their lives, you are a a truly terrible person. If you do this, please don't bother reappearing later when I'm well as you've proven yourself unworthy of being my friend and I don't be surprised if I ignore you at family events.




I'm currently one-third the way through my chemotherapy. My cancer experience has really only just begun. I am sure I will run into other things that people shouldn't say or do to cancer patients, so this may be just the first post to address this issue. If you are a cancer patient, please add your own things that people should say or do in the comments.

A Thank You and a Gripe

Today I had my 6th chemotherapy treatment, which means I am 1/3 through the entire treatment process. If it weren't for the friends and family (thank you Christina, Lisa, and Chynea) who have volunteered to drive me to and from the infusion center, which is 45 minutes from my home, things would have been much, much more difficult for my husband and myself. Because of the medications I am given alongside the chemotherapy to combat side effects, I am in no safe condition to drive myself home. And, while E's boss is very supportive and is okay with E missing work one day every week to take me, that is not really a realistic option--there's simply too  work to be done and that would increase his stress level astronomically, which would be bad for his health.

So far, I have been very blessed to have the support of a truly amazing group of people. My father-in-law has driven me to multiple appointments in Newnan and Carrollton. One super amazing friend, Katrina, came and stayed with me the last few days I was in hospital following my surgery and then helped us get set up at home by doing laundry and cooking us up a bunch of delicious food. Another friend, Phil, is making plans to come stay with us in a few weeks specifically in order to give me a ride to chemo. I've had other friends send me care packages and presents and organize meal delivery. I've had tons of cards and many texts/PM's to check on how I am. Even my 17-year old nephew has texted me to check on me, unprompted by parent or grandparent! My parents, of course, have been super supportive, just as they have been through every trial in my life.

Despite the large group of people I have supporting me, I must admit that this experience has shown me who my true friends are. I suppose that is bound to happen when someone is going through something major. I feel bad complaining, but I am truly hurt by the lack of support or care from people I had thought to be among my closest friends. These are people E and I have consistently helped even when it was difficult or inconvenient to us. It makes me feel like we've been used.

Having cancer puts you in a vulnerable position. If you're a person like me, who is a helper and a carer by nature, the tables are flipped and I am the one who needs people to help and care for me. I'm not used to asking for help. I'm used to doing things myself and offering help to others. I've had to give myself permission to directly ask people for the help I need. It's hard to do. It's made even harder when these requests are ignored.

The thing is, I've been very lucky. The chemo is not making me super sick. So far the biggest thing it's done is cause the loss of nearly all my hair. I do have less overall energy and some days pretty much all I can do is lie around, but I certainly don't LOOK sick and I don't FEEL sick. I can't help but wonder if the reason some people don't seem concerned is because I don't match their idea of what a cancer patient is supposed to look like (whatever that is). I'm not dying. I'm not even close to dying. I'm doing really well, actually, but that doesn't mean this is easy and it doesn't mean that we don't need help. Specifically, rides to and from my chemotherapy.

I guess some people really don't mean it when they tell you to let them know what they can do and they'll do anything to help out. I absolutely cannot stand that kind of empty talk. Don't say stuff like that to people "just to be polite." All you're doing is making yourself look like an asshole when you don't follow-through.

First Post (Woo)

Ok. So this is my first post to my first blog.

[Thunderous applause.]

I have no idea at the moment exactly what this blog will evolve to be or how often I'll even update it. Most likely it will be updated more frequently here at the outset while I still think this is a good idea.

What am I going to write about here? Well, it's my blog, so I'll write about whatever I damn well please!

(Yes, this blog will contain cursing.)

Since I am currently undergoing chemotherapy for my cancer, there will be posts about my treatment, my health, and cancer. But it won't all be about that. I *DO* have other interests. Lots of them, in fact. Anyone of them is likely to show up as part of a post.

For now I'm not going to try to set up things in neat tabs of topics or have topics of the day or any of that crap. Once I've written enough stuff, if some kind of pattern emerges I'll try to get things organized, but I can't swear I'll be good about it.

Anyway, I'm doing this more for me, because I need an outlet for all the randomness that swirls inside my head and I've got piles of time on my hands right now and I don't always have the energy to do anything more than browse the web and type and not doing things is kinda driving me crazy so I'm hoping this will help with that.

So, if you've stuck with me this far, wow, thanks! So, this is it. My blog. If you find something here that interests you and you actually read or follow it, well, either you're a close friend or family member or you're just as nuts as I am!

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A note about the comments section: I have no idea how moderating one of these things goes. I'd rather it not turn into a source of headache for myself. Since this blog is MY BLOG, where I write about MY THINGS, there's going to be someone out there that disagrees with something I write at some point, or (oh noes!) gets offended. If you feel compelled to tell me that you disagree or are offended, that's your prerogative. However, don't be mean about it. To that end, no it doesn't have to be all unicorns and puppies and flowers and hearts and kittens and glitter and rainbows, but let's keep any true nastiness out of it, shall we? Intelligent debate doesn't require it. Obvious trolls and spammers will be soundly boo'd and virtually tarred and feathered and ban-hammered if I can figure out how to do it (if not, I will just make fun of you and silently curse your karma).